World’s Crappiest Web Page

Making a real crappy web page is easy. All you have to do is assume that everybody has a dedicated T1 connection and that nobody has a sense of style or taste. Then just follow these simple instructions:

Make Text Illegible

1. Make some text so small that you need a magnifying glass to read it.
2. Make other text so large that it looks like you're shouting.
3. Make the color of the text incompatible with the background image. Readers that go cross-eyed run away quicker.
4. Use as many different fonts as possible to demonstrate that you have no taste.
5. Use a lot of bold text. If you want to really go for the gold, use all bold text.
6. PUT ALL YOUR TEXT IN UPPERCASE. (Combine this technique with #2 and #5 to give your readers a big headache real fast.)
7. Don't forget to use a heaping helping of poor speling, lotss of typos and some no good grammar.

Use Cumbersome Graphics

1. Use graphics with humongous file sizes (at least 100K each). Make sure you put lots of them so that your web page will take six light years to load.
2. Put tons of animated GIFs. This will ensure that your visitors are so flustered by all the commotion that they will have to struggle to refocus on why they came to your web page in the first place. (BONUS: If you put enough animated GIFs you'll be able to crash their web browser.)
3. Insert a graphic (or if you don't have one handy, use an HTML table) that is wider than 1024 pixels. This will create those ugly horizontal scroll bars at the bottom of most visitors' web browsers. Once you've refined this technique, visitors will have to constantly scroll back and forth just to read any text on your web page (assuming your text is worth reading).

Be User Unfriendly

1. Don't use any section headings that will help visitors to quickly scan for the information they're specifically looking for.
2. Don't use any paragraphing. The ultra-short attention span of the typical web surfer loves endless blocks of text with no breaks.
3. Don't put a link to your website's home page. Better still, don't put any links to any other pages on your website. You don't just want your visitors lost. You want them stuck.
4. Use lots of dead links (hyperlinks that lead to Page Not Found error pages). User frustration is the key here and you want lots of it in a web page that is truly crappy.
5. Make sure that you don't identify your hyperlinks by using underlining and/or a different text color.
6. As an alternative or complement to #5, use lots of underlining in your non-hyperlinked text so that users will have to hover their mouse pointer over everything to find out where the real hyperlinks are.

Add Tons of Gimmicks

1. Use LOTS of popups. This way all the software companies that make popup blockers will have plenty of business.
2. Make a Flash animation page with no link to an HTML alternative. This will send everyone on dial-up networking rushing to click on their browser's Back button in record time.
3. As an alternative to #2, load up on every special effect in the book including all those overused last-century javascripts that make:
   
   
   • Rainbow text
   • Blinking text
   • Backward text
   • Scrolling text
   • Glowing text
   
   ...etcetera ad nauseam. A good rule of thumb is if the effect doesn't add any usability and is just there for the hell of it then it's a perfect addition to a truly crappy web page. And don't forget to add some...
   
   
   • Cute little graphics that trail behind the user's mouse pointer.
   • Fading page transitions.
   • Repetitive scrolling messages in the status bar.
   
   Use at least 3 or more of the above otherwise you might accidentally create a web page with some spunk and originality. Remember the number of special effects commensurates with the lack of imagination.
4. As a complement to #3, make sure you use a javascript that throws an error. You'll know right away because you'll see a message like this in the status bar of Internet Explorer:
   
   
   
   This is the delight of crappy web page makers across the globe.

Support General Disorder

1. Make sure your web page/site has no...

   Theme
   Purpose
   Idea
   
   (Check one or more of the above.)

2. Don't use any color coordination.
3. Don't put any text in the <title>...</title> tags. This way search engines will list your page as 'Untitled' and people will think that:

   You are dim-witted.
   You are in too much of a hurry to give a damn.
   You didn't do your homework.
   You actually wanted to call your web page 'Untitled'.
   
   (Check one or more of the above.)

4. Make sure your web page is only compatible with one of the following:
   
   

   Internet Explorer	2 points
   Mozilla Firefox	5 points
   Opera	15 points
   None of the above	100 points

   
   50 bonus points for using the following message:

   This web page is optimized for _________.  (Fill in the blank)

   1000 bonus points for using the above message without filling in the blank.
   
   

SEE ALSO:

• Font Size
• Font Color
• Font Face

• Inserting Hyperlinks
• Headings and Subheadings

• Using Graphics
• Creating Tables
• Making Lists

• Launching a Website